im leaving tomorrow.. It's just so surreal. All these people ive seen everyda for so long..saying goodbye. LOng hugs and lots of kisses. But what scared me was the finality of it all. The last hug, the last dinner, the last look at the skyline at night, the last look at the lake, the last time being in the secure arms of miao/ram, the last time touching catrina's supercool hair, last time kissing the one i actually loved, last time watching friends late into the night on my computer..and tomorrow will be the last time i cuddle with adriana . Wow..it begins to take a toll on you at some point. To Think that there'll be many more such letting go fiascos in future..sheesh, scary isnt it? What makes me even sadder is the fact tht i dont think i can explain how much ive learned from all these wonderful people...how? 

But anyway...i just wanna say once and for all. That i had the best time ever. I d a great time tonite at Chinatown with miao, adina, adriana, jeff, catrina, nora, jenny, thibaud, alford, angie, janice, alex, sarai, isabelle... even if it was for the food (ha)..it was the best last night i could hope for.  I love them all..so much in such different ways. Adriana..you are my laughter, my inspiration, my friend. My protector, my companion, my lesbian-lover, my fellow-confused-foreign-born-buddy, my saviour from all things ugly and implosive. david. Adorable and whacky. always admired him and it's amazing how much he understands about my home. Ram...i couldnt have asked for a more genuine friend.You were there at times when i needed SOMEONE and you have guided me through so much with our never-ending phone conversations.  MIAO..my teddy bear whom i have adoredwith all my heart since the first day ive talked to him. Everything about you is lovable and your ability to make everyone feel welcome is terrific. Adam...whatever we've said to each other, however much we've hrut each other, we've only become stronger and i can still say that you are the only one i have ever been in love with. You made me "happier than i ever thought i could be" (quoting from friends of course) Catrina...bizarre and unforgettable, and bubbling energy. your humor is exciting and your advice USEFUL!   Adina... ive loved you for never judging me, for accepting me instantly and trusting me.  

Ive loved you all..so much. SO much.

I sure as hell won't forget

Currently Listening Californication By Red Hot Chili Peppers see related

i was bored..so i went looking at some xangas of ppl i know..and there are all these entries about graduation, describing exactly what happened..very accurately, some dripping with emotion. And I cant think of a single way to describe what i was fweeling that day..or how i have been since. My mind feels like a punching bag..I feel kinda sorry for it, being jostled around like a bitch all the time. I subject it to so much fucking change that it's reached a point where it doesnt react. I just feel lumps in my throat...as opposed to that goddamn liquid that used to come gushing out of my eyes for practically no reason. Ha..i've temporarily lost my ability to relax first of all. Whatever im looking at..i just keep thinking this is the last time im doing so. Even the I-94 roadsigns...i mean..im not gonna ride on tht highway..for a long time and probably never as a resident. Everything is so surreal..cant take it sometimes. The impermanence amazes me..images of myself in classrooms in LPHS all seem to belong to a life that I cant imagine myself leading anymore. Was i really ever in 213, taking notes from the overhead like a machine? Or was i really ever in the dance that i see on dvd from time to time? That life seems impossible..especially when i compare it to what is coming next. I'm excited about it..but at the same time i dont know what to feel for abruptly terminating this routine.  What do i do about all the memories, hallways, sudden hugs, AIM chats, long telephone conversations, sleepless nights full of hw, a familiar/lovable voice licking away at my ear, crazy highs, miserable lows, violent implosions, tasteless laughter, riding in cars with the radio blaring, falling in and out of the same web of attachment and desire over and over and over again. How can i explain it all to anyone ..to anyone i will be encountering in the burning heat of the city i've loved but is now more distant than anything? How do i even begin to describe my euphoria from being "happy" with my first major "boyfriend"? (maybe cuz i dont even recognize that happiness anymore)..or how do i describe my incurabe despair when it stopped and those following two months? Or how do i describe wht ive learned when ive looked at adriana;s photographs, or how much i enjoyed sticking my tongue through a starbucks cover at random strangers, or how I battled with my mom every time i got a bad grade in math, or how different of a person she was when she was away from that burning heat, or how i cant help feeling like..im a part of this city, these lights of the skyline, the red line going north to belmont. I close my eyes and i can remember so much that my breath is cut short. Like a dry waterfall gushing down into my head from some unknown source above..there's so much that i cant tell one memory from the other. Tell me ...what do i do with them?..

But otherwise, it;s all good

so much is going on..so fast. There's no time to take a breather..and stop and just look around, possibly for one last time. That's how it always is..i remember the last time i walked down a road i had frequented everyday for 6 years..i didnt even look back. i had always imgined a very cheesy image of myself, straight out of a movie, walking down in slow motion, with some sort of a goodbye-song plying in my head and id turn around for one last time and then id feel the pricking in my eyes and id swallow the feeling and push myself off into the far off horizon, not knowing what is to come. But nope. That really doesnt happen. Maybe..fortunately.  No, but seriously..i dont wanna miss anything. I wish i had 15 heads and 15 bodies walking around..so that i could talk to a million people, be in a million places, do a million things (or people) at once. I wish i could hang out at the garden, the beach, starbucks, at home....in one moment. I wanna be with so many people for one last time. I dont't care what people say about high school, i dont care when they say stuff like "i dont ever wanna come back here", i dont care when they brag about how shitty this place is...im gonna miss the mall, the garden, 213, IBoffice, lunchroom, chem room. Ive had some pretty shitty times in those very places...but they're a part of me now. As someone says..take it all as "a learning experience". Im n ot gonna remember the tears and the disappointments ultimately...ill just remember what ive realized about myself..and the laughs and the jokes and Ms.Tookey's glassses in her hair and the obnoxious security guards hollering after us.

So..it's all good.

Bootlegging adriana's quiz

List twenty people you know, but don't peek at the quiz until you do.

Who is #8 going out with? with no.9

Is #9 a boy or a girl? lol..girl but would make a crazy boy.

Would #11 and #2 make a cute couple?  ari and miao? that'd be some hot gay sex rite there..mmm
How about #18 and #4? james and elpida????! the conversations???!! Can you imagine them getting frisky? (sry elpee)
What grade is #17 in? 12th
When was the last time you talked to #12? m,onday?
What is #6's favorite band? no fucking clue.
Does #1 have any siblings? nope..only air.

Would you ever date #3? um..next question.
Would you ever date #7? hell yea..she's smokin!

Is #16 beautiful? yea

What's #15's last name? tanzman
What's #5's middle name? kovac
What's #10's fantasy? To marry a rich  hot man
Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? lasun and adam? sigh..the possibilities
What school does #20 go to? Lincoln Park
Tell me a random fact about #11? hmm..hard one. He likes to lick his pinki a lot and draw obscene cartoons 
And #1: she lives on coffee and has a mole somewhere on her face..cant rem
And #3: he is an indian furball..i love him

Have you ever had a crush on #16? no!
Where does #9 live? Chicago!

What's #4's favorite color? black?
Would you makeout with #14? nooooo
Are #5 & #6 best friends? YUP!

Does #7 like #20? umm..probably
Does #8 like #19? oh GOD NO!..*shudder*

How did you meet #15? in math..soph year  

Does #10 have any pets?nope
Is #12 older than you?yup

Give #2 a hug tomorrow! Must follow this command! of course! he's the most hugable thing ever
Is #17 the sexiest thing alive? mm..she is so fly